Reeeeelllllllaaaaaaxxxxx: How yoga can help resolve anger part 3

 Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny. -Bhagavad Gita

For this final entry in resolving anger I want to address the importance of addressing the mental chatter and relaxing the mind.  It all begins with our thoughts. No one can make you feel a certain way without your permission.  Squeeze an orange and you get orange juice.  Squeeze a person who harbors anger and no matter how hard they try to cover it up anger is going to come out in some form or fashion.  Therefore, no one can make you angry, anger starts with your own thoughts.  Change your thoughts and ultimately you change your destiny.

According to human needs psychology there are 6 human needs that every single person on this planet has. These needs can be filled positively or negatively.  Most people will focus on at least  2 of the 6  needs above all others.  Ultimately this focus will direct your life patterns. These needs are:

1) Certainty - the need for stability and comfort
2) Significance- the need to be special and worthy of attention
3) Variety- the need for stimulation and change
4) Love & Connection- the need for connection with others, ultimately to love and be loved
5) Growth- the need to develop and expand
6) Contribution- the need to giving beyond self
(As taken from Robbins Madanes)

Generally speaking if we are angry it is because we feel uncertain or insignificant (fears).  And the quickest way to feel both certain and significant  is to get angry.  When you are angry how certain and/or significant do you feel (1-10)?  Anger is a quick fix. If you recognize this and wish to change, ask yourself this  "What thoughts am I having that are making me feel insignificant and uncertain?" (observation, witnessing, awareness) If you can understand exactly why you are getting angry you can take responsibility for the reason you are blaming someone else. (Robbins Madanes)

In yoga this is dealing with the manomaya kosha. The mind layer of our being.  Generally speaking it is our mind stuff that drives our physical (anamaya kosha) and energetic (pranamaya kosha) bodies.  Once you have sat down and observed, asked, and become aware of the problem then you can begin to address it from a place of truth- and that is what will ultimately set you free. 

After you observed yourself and answered the question begin by changing your physiology- change your body.  Changing the physical way we are representing ourselves in the world also changes our neurological pathways.  Doing a non vigorous yoga practice with awareness and breath can be a great release (the back bends, heart openers ans twist are an added bonus!).  However if you take the anger to the mat or any other exercise and do them vigorously you might just be adding fuel to the fire so be careful.

Second change your mental focus.  Rather than spending all this time focusing on what makes you angry (feel bad, frustrated etc) shift your mind and make yourself think about one thing or several  things that make you joyous, happy, feel ecstasy, and pleasure. Don't just think about it for a second then say "well that didn't work" and move back to anger.  You have to really spend some time there.  Feel it in every cell of your body have the experience all over again. "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he"-Proverbs 23:7  We are what we think.

Third, watch your words.  Change your language.  I am referring  to cognative restructuring that I mentioned in the last post.  Not using colorful language and dropping the "F-bomb" but really being more creative and thoughtful with how you express yourself, is another way to begin to change your internal dialogue.

Fourth, get over yourself! Focusing on the first four of your needs (certainty, significance, variety, and love & connection) will only take you so far and, unless you are very aware of yourself,  focusing on these needs will often take you in the wrong direction (i.e getting angry to feel significant).  However, if you shift your perspective to focusing on growth and contribution (spiritual) the other four needs will automatically get taken care of! Giving of yourself and growing/evolving as a spiritual being will give you certainty, significance, variety, and love & connection! It's awesome how that works!

Finally, be flexible! Yoga is about growing, being open, exploring, and ultimately union.

To be angry is to suffer: How yoga can help resolve anger part 2

Anger is suffering.  If you are angry for any reason you are choosing to suffer. Pain is a natural part of life but suffering is a choice.  I know you really don't want to hear this, especially if someone has done you wrong,  but if you are holding on to anger towards someone or something, for any reason at all, you are the one who is suffering the most.  Don't believe me?  Check in with your feelings, how does that anger feel? How well do you sleep at night when you are angry?  How does your family act around you? And how does your body feel- your blood pressure, your digestion, headaches or backaches? How about sharp pains in your side or the lump in your throat?

Anger shows up viscerally - it produces very real physical reactions in the body.  In fact when you are angry your body has a two stage production of the neurotransmitters called catecholamines (aka adrenaline).  Basically these neurotransmitters are the gasoline to the rage fire.  You get an initial surge of these neurotransmitters for immediate action then the second surge can lasts for hours to days.  And that is just from one anger response.  What happens if you are angry a lot? That means you are constantly pumping adrenaline into your body and I have talked before what that does- breaks down the immune system and causes pain. Secondly, anger is the emotion tied with high blood pressure. It's a result of the ongoing "fight or flight" response.  Studies show that "hot headed" people or people who suppress their anger suffer the most heart attacks.  It's as if you are continuously attacking yourself.

There are 3 main ways to deal with anger- expression, suppression or calm.  Generally, healthy expression is the best because it actually releases the physical and emotional reactions.  If you are able to express your anger without causing physical or emotional harm to the other person that is a very healthy way to deal with anger. Other forms of expression are physical releases and artistic release.  Physically taking a few moments to close yourself in a room and scream, shout, shake, dance, beat a pillow, jump around  and let loose is a really powerful release for the nervous system (I talk about this in my post"Shake it off!- Living stress free part 2"). Of course a non-strenuous yoga practice can be a great way to physically release as well!

Learning to calm the anger is also a powerful way of dealing with anger.  This is where meditation and relaxation practices come into play.  A regular practice of prayer and meditation can change your internal dialogues and understandings so those things that used to make you angry no longer bother you.  However if you do face a challenging situation and anger wants to come up on you knowing how to relax and calm yourself by eliciting the bodies natural Relaxation Response can also diffuse the physical reaction in the body as well (check out my post " Relaxation is Action!") .

Suppression of anger is one of the worst ways you can deal or not deal with your anger.  Acting as if  life is great on the outside but boiling up on the inside is just asking for trouble. As Yoganada states, "To control the external expression of anger while seething within creates an inner vibratory heat that cooks the brain like a baked potato."  Suppression of anger is a slow cooker for the nervous system  Let alone what it does for your personal and spiritual growth.

Trust me when I tell you this, anger always gets expressed in some form or fashion.  You can choose to deal with it through healthy expressions and /or calming relaxation techniques and move on with your life. Or you can suppress it for a time and take your chances for it to show up as a violent outburst, an illness or dis-ease, failed relationships, depression and sadness or an accident.  Either way it is going to come out some how.  The choice is yours.  You can choose to be an active participant in you growth and healing or you can leave it all to chance.  You can choose to suffer or you can choose peace.

How do you choose peace?  Here are some basic steps you can take so anger doesn't overtake you.
1). Choose love over fear- acknowledge what in the situation you are afraid of
2). Tell the truth- "Tell the truth to yourself about yourself and the truth will set you free."-Iyanla Vanzant
3). Shake it off- besides doing your internal work your nervous system needs a release as well. Shake, scream, dance,  take it to your mat, create, move, let loose!
4). Begin a regular prayer/meditation practice.
5). Have a sense of humor-  take a long hard look at yourself then have a good ole' laugh at yourself.  We all have silly outrageous parts and if we can laugh at our own silliness we have taken a huge step towards healing.
6). Cognitive Restructuring- anger produces words like  "always" and/or " never".  It also tends to curse and use highly colorful terms to express itself.  Instead of saying things like "This #*@! machine never works" Start by changing your language.  Realize that the whole world is not out to get you and remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything.  Then start choosing more positive ways to communicate how you feel. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." (paraphrased from webmed- http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#)
 7). Ask the Divine to heal your perception.  Often times it's not the situation or the other person that needs to be fixed but our perception. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and  ye shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you". Matthew 7:7   By asking to heal our perception is to release fear and awaken our true nature.  Always whole always loved.

Love > Fear: How yoga can help resolve anger part 1

In the next few posts I am going to explore the topic of anger.  I sat down to write a post about anger and how yoga can help but I soon realized that this was a topic far bigger than a single post so we'll just have to see where this goes.

It has been said that all emotions can be broken down into two basic fundamental emotions:  Love and Fear.  All positive emotions are an extension and expression of love, and all negative emotions are an extension and expression of fear. It's part of the ultimate dichotomy, Light/Dark, good/evil, yin/yang/, sun/moon, love/fear. etc.

Anger is a tricky emotion.  Whether you are angry at someone or someone is upset with you, the issue never seems to be black and white.  From the surface a persons anger can often seem justified and make sense.  However, if we dig a little deeper more often than not the means do not justify the ends.  Anger can show up violently as outbursts or physical altercations, and at worst sometimes leading to death.  But it can also be much more subversive and mask itself as judgement, criticism, resentment, alienation, hurtfulness, or unjust blaming to name a few. The people who are angry almost always feel justified in their anger and the people who the anger is directed towards are often left wondering,"what did I do to deserve this?"

Where there is anger there is fear.  What is important to recognize is anger is always based in fear. As Louise Hay says, anger is fear defending itself.  In general there are a few basic fears that can lead to anger. Fear of not being worthy, fear of loss (of someone or something),  fear of attack (on the ego),  fear of not being in/or losing control, and the fear of acknowledging the truth. When it comes right down to it anger is never about the person or situation it is being directed towards but is always about the fears of the person who is angry.

The Bagavad Gita states, Anger breeds delusion: and delusion breeds loss of memory of the Self (God within). II:63  Anger doesn't make sense.  Try telling that to an angry person :)  Anger can make us do things that we normally would never do. It begins to tells stories and create senerios in your head and before you know it your anger has taken you far beyond the initial situation.

So how do we flip the script from anger to compassion in ourselves and others? The answer is always the same.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love: but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

If you are angry and don't want to be ask yourself, "what am I afraid of ?"  Then tell yourself the truth- the whole truth. Often times just telling the truth will dissipate the anger.  If someone is angry at you rather than responding back with anger recognize that person is operating in fear and treat them with compassion. If you are the one operating in fear and you choose to acknowledge that, treat yourself and the one you are angry with with compassion.  The fear can not exist in this the presence of compassion and love.  This is where that quote from the Baghavad Gita comes back to play- anger and fear are really a delusion of our true selves.  If we knew who we truly are we would know that we are whole, worthy, loved, and already have everything we need just as we are.  We just need to know....

It comes down to a matter of  healing our perception. We are perfect love just as we are, it's our perception that gets distorted, is sick and/or wrong.  Not only are we perfect love just as we are but the other person is perfect love as well. As it says in A Course in Miracles, Wrong perception is the wish that things be as they are not.  Wishing things to be different is wrong perception because our wholeness is the truth- that is the reality.  As stated in the 1 John 4:18 scripture, fear hath torment.  If we are experiencing torment it is coming from fear and fear is a liar!  At any moment we can choose love over fear.  Did you hear me? The choice is yours- AT ANY MOMENT YOU CAN CHOSE LOVE OVER FEAR. First make the choice then follow your actions with that choice.

To begin this process Louise Hay gives this affirmation, "I am not my fears. It is safe for me to live without guarding and defending myself all the time.  When I feel afraid  I open my heart and let love dissolve the fear."